Charisma

I haven't posted here in a long time, but I think that it is time to begin once again. Sometimes when I need a reason to praise God, I'll come to this blog and read about what God has done in my life and how I was impacted. At one point I thought I was writing this for other people but as it turns out, I was the main audience. I also have a convenient amount of time working at the hospital which allows me time to do many things. I can't relay most of my experiences in the hospital due to HIPAA, but I'll use this time to reflect and write about the rest of my life.

I am a charismatic communicator. I have been told this in many ways by many people and I find that this quality is very useful to bring joy to people through humor and also to diffuse the tension in otherwise awkward circumstances. It helps when I am leading my small group. It especially helps when talking with bosses or teachers. However, charisma can also be a dangerous tool.

For starters, charisma is useless when talking to God. God will not be convinced of something by how well I can say it. I was recently apologizing to God for something and he stopped me and said "Talk is cheap". Ouch. I think it's pretty easy to start to believe that I can convince God of my apologetic sincerity because I have been able to convince other people or even myself. Looking back, I can see that the real battles in my life have been over choices of actions, not choices of words. I don't want to say that words are unimportant, but I will say that in regard to faithfulness, they are less important.

Charisma has also negatively impacted my friendships in the past. I find it easy to isolate myself by being able to direct conversation toward impersonal topics. A large part of intimacy in friendship is the mutual exchange of unfiltered ideas and desires of the heart. Those topics are also rather uncomfortable for me to talk about. The truth is, my desire to be liked is greater than my desire to be known. Charisma makes this possible for me.

I have an issue with personality tests. I think that they can been good tools for understanding other people. However, if you wish to understand yourself, they can be the worst. Here is my experience with personality tests: a series of questions in which I make a whole bunch of value judgments in different circumstances to determine what I value. That sounds great. The problem is, I get to create my own image of values which sound good to me but may have no reflection of my reality. If I really want to get a good look at what I value, I should look at what my actions say about me. For example, if I choose to have 3 slices of pizza for breakfast instead of a bowl of cereal, I can definitively say that I value taste and convenience over my health. When I choose to browse the internet at work rather than writing my med school application essays, I value entertainment over my calling to medicine. These are rather brutally honest examples, but honest nonetheless. 

Thankfully, we have a God whose will is for us to be more like him and a Holy Spirit to aid us.